Motherhood is a beautiful journey, that is what everybody tells you. And by default every body expects you to be a prefect mom; one who knows what’s right by her child. One who is selfless, a multitasker & an all rounder.
The society around you, the daily dose of social media with its picture perfect moments, captured and edited for sharing, your own friends & family; everybody tells you the same. That Motherhood is blissful.
And you walk into this, with a cock sure confidence, ready with your newly acquired knowledge of child rearing, which you gobbled up in your pregnancy. You know you are all set for this journey called Motherhood.
But then for people like me, it turns out to be a learning of sorts; one in which I don’t always excel. Unfortunately I am not a perfect mom. I love my son to bits, but sometimes I find it too hard. Yes, Motherhood is hard. The first year was the hardest. Then it did become easier by degrees. I couldn’t give up on my career. I could not even compromise with it. I couldn’t smile at the bodily changes that came with it. Although even these things keeps getting better.
Don’t get me wrong I love this, I realise that motherhood is a blissful journey. But there is no escaping the fact that there are days when I feel very blue and very lonely. Days when it just is too hard. Then there are beautiful days too. Motherhood is a mix of both.
Recently one such day made me realise that I may not be perfect & I don’t need to be.
The story of my Imperfect Motherhood
That friday was one of those days, hot, busy, rushed. I came back from office to pick up my son. I was handed over his bags, sleeping bag, school work etc. (weekend)We came home. I was carrying 5 bags in total, including my laptop. The lift was late, 5 people waiting, finally it came.
Now Baby A was in a naughty mood, soon after we reached the 2nd Floor, he started pressing all the buttons! My hands were so full I couldn’t even stop him. So basically, when you do that the lift gets confused and decides to go back down. I pulled him away somehow while others sighed. Now, one aunty Ji wasn’t very happy. She started complaining, “Ohho, he is very naughty! My grand daughter is very calm. My Daughter In Law keeps her in control. Though I don’t like very calm kids, but they shouldn’t be this naughty either. How old is he? Very naughty indeed.”
Now all this time I was getting redder. Upbringing or the lack of ability to answer back at the right time, whatever, I just said, ‘sorry.’ And kept mum. Our floor came, my son waved good bye to everybody and we went out.
As soon as I opened the door, I started scolding him. I said to him, “Since you are so so bad, I will never talk to you. You are naughty & you play with the lift buttons. you don’t love your mummy and keep making her angry.” And he started crying.
I know what you are thinking, how could I, right? But I had just lost my cool. I was tired, sweating, Yes, taking the public transport daily in Delhi hasn’t been a great decision. I miss driving my comfortable AC car. I miss my life back in Bangalore. I miss my youth. I miss being carefree. And I was just too much into me again, I guess.
But then he started saying, “No mumma, please talk to me.” With tears in his eyes.
I am not the witch from Hensel & Gretel. Of course I picked him up, calmed down immediately and started pacifying him. My meltdown was over. Yes! a bad parenting moment; Feel free to Judge.
FF to last Friday; we came back, boarded the lift. Another young man walked in. He pressed 5. Instantly baby A said, “Mumma he pressed 5, now how will we reach.?” I started laughing & said, “don’t worry, we will reach unless you start pressing all the buttons again!” He then replied, “No mumma, I will never do that. I love you.”
That was it.
I somehow stopped myself from crying inside the elevator & reached home. And then I asked him, why will you not press the buttons baby? He replied, “I love you mumma. I won’t make you angry. I won’t press the buttons again.” And he went to remove his shoes.
And I cried.
I know every thing I do as a mom is not right. But not everything is wrong either. It is not a measure of Failures and success. Its not a point system. Not a ‘Who is a better mom’ contest. It is not about perfection, coz whichever way you do this, It is already perfect. So cut yourself some slack. Don’t compare. Don’t pressurise yourself because others are judging. Just cherish this beautiful, not always perfect journey of motherhood Coz it is beautiful no matter whatever way you do it.
Until next time
Love ?, Smita